Thursday, 20 August 2015

Through Twaklinesque Long Galleries A and/or B

On either side of the Twaklinilkawtian corridor are the Twaklinesque Long Galleries:

A and B.

Long Gallery A is the longest of the two galleries.  It passes under the main house in a southerly direction, adjacent to the eastern side of the Twaklinilkawtian corridor.

There is no possibility that this will be known to you in an evidence-based way within the gallery itself.  You just have to have trust in the direction you are going. 

Unlike the Twaklinilkawtian corridor, Long Gallery A is not open to sunlight.  It is, however, much longer, continuing onwards, under the observation tower and beyond.  There will be several dim, artificial lights, occasionally, and even a few very bright lights.

The gallery cannot be reached from the corridor.  In fact, it can only be reached through a hidden doorway within a small cellar.  The cellar is reached through a trapdoor under the staff tea table in the meeting room behind the ticket office in the gatehouse.

Going down under is likely to be an experience of a lifetime.

If you wish to experience the entire length of Long Gallery A, you will probably find that pursuit to be one of the most inspiring and enlightening features of your mortal existence, at least if you have a reasonably healthy mind.

Please notify the staff at the gatehouse if you are currently taking a course of medication, with or without adequate supervision.

Anyone wishing to enter Long Gallery A will be required to enter their signature on several legal documents before doing so. 

When you initially enter Long Gallery A, it will undoubtedly seem to you as if the space is excessively small and not just uncomfortably cramped.

There are several exits along the way but re-entry is only permitted from the gatehouse.  All the exits are clearly marked with the word EXIST.

Each section of Long Gallery A is only opened for one visitor, exclusively, at a time.  This ensures there are no distractions during your experiences of the art on display.

Each section of the gallery also has excellent soundproofing. You may therefore wish to sing, laugh, shout or scream, if that is your authentic response to the artworks.

Once you complete a section of Long Gallery A, it will close behind you for the next visitor to experience.  Please take your time, to avoid disappointment - and to avoid having to return to the gatehouse should you wish to acquaint yourself with a particular artwork in more depth.

Whenever the gallery before you appears to be long, you will have much more to see at one time, of course, though that is likely to make anyone feel overwhelmed.  Please relax, if possible.  You can walk along at your own pace.

You may believing the next section of Long Gallery A is a long way ahead of you.  This may or may not be a correct perception.  Art can be full of surprises, much like nature.

If you arrive at a closed section of Long Gallery A, you could have much time to wait before it opens to you.  Please be assured that the person in front of you has found the experience there to be exceedingly interesting.  That will indicate that your wait is likely to be worthwhile.

If you are impatient, you can always leave by the nearest exit.  Every section of Long Gallery A has its own exit, though the exits themselves may take you into surprising, unexpected and possibly even dangerous places.

If you fear being alone in unfamiliar environments, Long Gallery A is not the place for you.  Much art in the 21st century is intended to challenge audiences and other visitors, and Long Gallery A provides no exception.

If you enter Long Gallery A without properly reading the legal documents before signing them, you will not be aware that you have full responsibility for your reactions, and for anything else that may occur to you along the way.  Always read documents carefully before signing them, and ask questions if you are unsure about anything.

Once you have entered Long Gallery A, the only person available to answer your questions accurately will be yourself.

Any person successfully taking the entire journey along Long Gallery A will be a long way from the gatehouse.  The exit at the southern end of the gallery is in an area of the grounds of Villa Twaklinilkawt not usually open to visitors.  Due to the length of time it takes to reach the final exit, night has usually fallen.  Everything is dark and mysterious.  The way back is unclear.  You may still be alone.

If you are afraid of the dark and/or mysteries and/or you do not like being alone, please read the documentation very carefully indeed before considering entering Long Gallery A.  In addition, there are several factors and possible consequences not mentioned in the documentation:  Sometimes, for example, the absent-minded security guards may have forgotten to unlock the exit you require.

You may, if you manage to exit the gallery at a time of your own convenience, find yourself inside a tunnel of one sort or another.   The tunnel may take you inside a locked shed or into a strange cottage or peculiar pavilion.

The exits from Long Gallery A have sometimes taken visitors into an ominous, non-Twaklinilkawtian corridor or into one of the many mysterious cellars or a weird walled garden or cluttered recycling area or possibly into a waste disposal bunker, though please note that there is no gift shop associated with Villa Twaklinilkawt, at least not for ordinary visitors such as yourself.

Finding suitable security guards have never been easy, whether officially or unofficially.  Those working within the grounds of Villa Twaklinilkawt usually go on strike immediately whenever one of them is asked to enter Long Gallery A to rescue a bewildered visitor.  The security guards even go on strike when one of them is asked to do so in the company of another security guard, or even several colleagues.

Entering Long Gallery A will require anyone, whether as a visitor or as a security guard, to have excellent health, fitness and mobility, in both the mental and physical forms.  The steep, narrow, spiral staircases into the various cellars under the gatehouse have caused more than a few broken limbs.  Please bring your own hard hat, torch and first aid kit.

Extraordinary powers of observation, an intercultural awareness of symbolism and a head for heights may also be useful.  Several of the exits have been known to lead onto bridges or into tree houses, or towards precipices of various descriptions.  You may even be required to swim.

In view of the fact that you are highly unlikely to be taken on a tour of Long Gallery A in the company of a guide, or a guard, you may prefer to visit Long Gallery B, which can only be visited with a guide.  In fact, there are special guides for several sections of Long Gallery B.  They do, indeed, almost seem to belong, and even live, in the gallery.

From Long Gallery B, it is possible but not absolutely likely, or even probable, that you will be able to enter any of the the twelve short galleries tangentially placed along its path instead of exits.  As with Long Gallery A, there are no entrances or exits between this Twaklinesque gallery and the Twaklinilkawtian corridor.

The entrance to Long Gallery B is from the attic of the main house.  The gallery has its own spiral staircase through each of the floors of the house, and through three layers of cellars.

When you arrive in a brightly lit and acoustically beautiful Rococo chamber, from which a gentle, parquetry ramp leads upwards, in an elegant s-curve, towards Long Gallery B itself, you may or may not be ready to begin the tour.

Most visitors wish to spend a while in the Rococo chamber before making their way up the ramp.  Magnificently dressed musicians of remarkable technical and artistic proficiency are likely to be playing extraordinarily beautiful melodies and harmonies in the chamber.  They are usually performing the most sublime compositions on the highest quality instruments.  They will, of course, have received their most relevant training in the music room on the ground floor of the main building.

At the top of the ramp, you are likely to be greeted by a baroque baritone.  He, or occasionally she, will guide you through the first stage of Long Gallery B.  The baritone usually works in the middle range of the side galleries but the scheduled tenor is usually too frightened to perform in front of strangers without being properly introduced first.

Your baritone guide will, briefly, hand you over to a basso profundo, who may wish to take you down another spiral staircase into a lower E-flat.  The basso profundo is both an artistic activist and a somewhat unruly oktavist, so please expect him, or rarely her, to discuss political matters surprisingly dramatically in relation to the arts, social sciences, poetry and history.

While in the lower E-flat, you may be invited by the basso profundo to eat, drink and be merry.  He usually has a large crowd of singers, instrumentalists, costume designers and wig makers over for luncheon in his lower E-flat, though be sharp about returning to Long Gallery B if you wish to belong on the next tour of the next section.

A trio of classical instrumentalists will greet you next, dressed as ancient Greeks.  They will probably be joined, a short while later, by three average-sized middle-aged matrons, disguised as medieval ladies-in-waiting.  They will then go away for a while and their place will be taken by three slim ladies, of variable ages, dressed as Renaissance choir boys with large, translucent wings.

The tour continues this way