Monday, 8 February 2016

Attaining Non-digital Access

The understated elegance on display in Villa Twaklinilkawt is likely to be particularly understandable to persons experiencing one of the premium services supplied here, unless arriving through non-digital means.

One of the most exclusive, premium services offered through Villa Twaklinilkawt is non-digital access.  Yet it is necessary to be well-prepared before that is attained.  Online courses are therefore available in that regard, subject to the payment of substantial fees.

Non-digital visitors wishing to arrive by private vehicle, whether noisy or not, will be required to pay additional parking and pollution fees, preferably in advance.  The costs for these could be considerable, especially for future generations of potential visitors.  If not paid in full beforehand, or at the time of usage, much unpleasantness could occur as a consequence.

The decibel parking spaces are exclusively for use by permit holders.  Before obtaining a permit, please speak to a reputable financial adviser.

For additional arrival options, there are several public transport routes within a fifteen minute walk.  Details are supplied on the entry tickets.  Bus, train, tram and taxi services may or may not be reliable, even when planned in advanced.

Please note that entry must be made to Villa Twaklinilkawt at the exact time stated on your premium, time-limited entry ticket.  If you plan to arrive by human-powered or animal-powered means, do ensure you are familiar with the road conditions before doing so.  The widespread inattentiveness and recklessness of Adelaidean road users has been known to cause considerable, and even permanent, delays.

There is a narrow, inadequately maintained, uneven concrete public footpath at the front of the property.  If you are visiting from North-West Europe, please note that a footpath is often called a pavement in your part of the world.  In South Australia, a pavement is a geological term:

Example one

Example two

If you are visiting from North America, you may often refer to a footpath as a sidewalk.  In order to have a conversation with a companion on any of Adelaide's narrow footpaths, you may be obliged to walk sideways.

In many other areas of metropolitan Adelaide, where footpaths do not exist at all, visitors and residents are required to walk amongst speeding motorists.  A significant proportion of those motorists apparently keep alert only after consuming potent central nervous system stimulants.

Next to the footpath here, there is also a wide strip of coarse grass and other weeds, possibly mixed with litter thrown by passing, speeding motorists.  The weeds are euphemistically and ironically referred to officially as a nature strip, except by members of the local police service who usually associate weeds with hydroponic equipment.  There is no such equipment associated with Villa Twaklinilkawt.

There is an extraordinarily ugly Stobie pole situated on the nature strip.  Inattentive or reckless motorists have occasionally been known to hit the pole at various times of the day and night.  A light on top of the Stobie pole comes on when the sun sets, presumably to prevent crashes after dark.

Non-digital visitors will be required to purchase premium tickets well in advance for a private, non-digital tour.  Ticket holders will initially be greeted with a street view of a typical, 1960s double-brick house with a single-car, corrugated iron garage next to it.

The front of the house has a concrete driveway.  It also has an area of mulch with small shrubs in various states of health.

The single-storey, detached dwelling in front of Villa Twakinilkawt is in a suburb where many of the original houses have since been demolished.  Most of those earlier family homes have recently been replaced either by much larger but equally unimaginative dwellings or by two or more severely angular townhouses.

There is a large, ostentatious, plastic palazzo now to one side of the house behind which Villa Twaklinilkawt sits.  The palazzo is, apparently, an investment property.  For some time, the palazzo has not appeared to be inhabited though it has an occasionally monitored security alarm system.

Few other security alarms around the suburb are monitored at all.  Nor are they maintained sufficiently.  This makes it difficult for peace and quiet to be guaranteed during your visit to Villa Twaklinikawt, especially if irresponsible road users are also in the vicinity with their loud motor bicycles and loud motor cars.

A cluster of several much smaller single-storey dwellings sit on the other side of the house.  At the front of the cluster is a taller structure known locally as the upper house.

The cluster is described in the sales brochure as a retirement village.  At least a third of the dwellings appear to have been for sale for several years.

For security reasons, the house behind which Villa Twaklinilkawt can be reached has an aluminium security fence near the edge of the public footpath, with a sliding gate to the private driveway.  There are high, corrugated iron fences between the neighbouring properties.  Security cameras and electronic sensors monitor the boundaries.

There are also several electronic devices in place to repel neighbourhood cats and prevent them from leaving deposits in the mulch.  There are other electronic devices in place to prevent neighbourhood dogs from barking and yapping incessantly.

Please refer to your entry ticket for further instructions on how to gain access to the premises.  Should you experience difficulties following the clear and simple instructions, remedial training will be offered for an additional fee.  Please contact one of the tutorial managers for further information if you have any concerns.  The details on how to do so will be on your ticket.

Besides the physical ticket itself, you will need to ensure you have at least three additional forms of identity with you upon arrival, to avoid being arrested.  Trespassers are always prosecuted.

An intercom and keypad provide the first level of non-digital entry to Villa Twaklinilkawt.  The intercom is situated next to the rarely used, locked letterbox.  All physical documents are meant to be delivered to a post office box at some distance from this location.  Breaches of this requirement will require a further fee/fine to be paid.

The proprietor of Villa Twaklinilkawt has an enthusiastic and thorough team of legal advisers to assist her at all hours of the day and night, in every jurisdiction around the world.  Further information about those services can be supplied by purchasing a Legal Advisory Warranty.

In fact, the warranty is included in the price of the non-digital entry ticket at no additional cost.  It is probably for that reason that the non-virtual tour is only available for a considerable premium.

In view of the above reasons and inconveniences, you may wish merely to enjoy the official, digital, virtual, free public tour for the time being.