Monday, 7 November 2016

Inaugural Convocation in the Twaklinestial Temple of Teapottian Truisms

As most of the teapottian parking restrictions have now been lifted, within reason, in the grounds of Villa Twaklinilkawt, much speculation has been occurring regarding a possible date for the inaugural convocation in the newly constructed temple.


A High Priestess is apparently yet to be appointed.  Even so, on a daily basis over recent weeks, several hundred Teapottian visitors have been seen dancing in the vicinity of the fenced scaffolding.

According to informed sources, the Teapottians have been chanting in unison, incessantly, intolerably and in Latin:

Foliis arefactis poculo aquae calidae

The Teapottian devotees have been using tea trays as percussion instruments, at least until one or more of the highly serious senior security guards, moderators, monitors or beadles here has requested they refrain from doing so.  Nothing is permitted to intrude upon the enjoyment of reasonable and respectful visitors here.

The Teapottians have also been striking teapots with teaspoons in sequential patterns, much like the ringing of bells. They have been placing tea lights in tea cups around the edge of the building site as the temple has arisen, much to the annoyance of the health and safety inspector.  They have also been throwing saucers in the air rather dangerously.

As you may imagine, the highly serious senior security guards, moderators, monitors and beadles have been exceedingly busy recently. The CFMEU and United Voice, and the federal, state and local government authorities, and the financiers of the temple, have not yet sent their culturally sensitive representatives to negotiate a Twaklinestial tea break as quickly as most people would prefer.  Such a tea break meditatively signifies the completion of a construction project to the satisfaction of all relevant parties.


The Twaklinestial Temple of Teapottian Truisms is likely to feature all the most traditional aspects of Teapottian tea culture.  Once the Twaklinestial tea break has occurred, the inaugural convocation must take place the following day.
 
Over the past few weeks, many of the Teapottian devotees have arrived at the gatehouse wearing tea cosies and tea towels on their heads, sometimes both at the same time.  Only a properly ordained High Priestess is permitted to do that.  Indeed, the High Priestess must do that, unless the weather is excessively hot, at which time an alternative to a tea cosy may be worn.
 
All the ceremonial items of the tea service are to be kept in the care of properly trained Twaklinestial Teapottian attendants. Those individuals can only be appointed by a High Priestess.

The day after a Twaklinestial tea break ceremony has been performed by a suitably qualified High Priestess and her Twaklinestial attendants, the inaugural convocation can occur.  The High Priestess must preside, suitably attired, over all ceremonies in the Twaklinestial Temple of Teapottian Truisms, unless one of her attendants is delegated the task.

It is deeply offensive to traditional Teapottians to call their devotions a parody religion.  True Teapottians would never make fun of any reasonable point of view.  Nor would true Teapottians ever express impatience or impertinence towards anyone willing to learn how to be more reasonable.

The inaugural convocation will be a highly serious occasion and even somewhat solemn.  It will begin at 10.15 in the morning with a proper tea ceremony.  This will involve the devotional pouring of the sacred oolong tea from the supreme teapot into the majestic tea cups.  Then the divine dunking will be silently performed.

According to tradition only major donors to the temple are permitted to dunk rich tea biscuits during any proper tea ceremony.  The High Priestess is the only person permitted to dunk a religieuse.  Her attendants and all other persons are permitted to dunk any other item from the biscuit plates.

It is considered sacrilege for a person to dunk more than one item in a cup of tea.  It is also considered sacrilege to delay placing the dunked item in one's own mouth after doing the dunking.

It is only during very special ceremonies that the sacred oolong tea is used.   The Twaklinestial attendants usually use one or more smaller Twaklinesque teapots for the expression of their own Teapottian rights and rites. 

Different teas are always placed in different sanctified vessels during Twaklinestial Teapottian ceremonies.  Most usually, at least three separate tea vessels are placed on the sacred tea table.

There is always the admirably divine Darjeeling silver teapot.  There is always the glorious green tea giant gaiwan with its sacred ladle.  There is always the bless it black tea Brown Betty.

The teas are always kept in the potentiality tea caddy cabinet until they are required.  Just as a ceremony begins, the High Priestess unlocks the cabinet with the actuality key and passes the caddy carefully to her most senior attendant.

The inaugural ceremonial dunking will be followed, at 11am, by five minutes of silent appreciation.  The sacred proper tea development practices will then continue, after the High Priestess taps her Truism teacup with her Twaklinological teaspoon.

The sacred rites will then involve the placing pots of tea plants within remarkably large teacups.  These must always be located in suitable microclimates within the temple complex.

The source of sacred water used in the tea ceremonies is also used for watering the sacred tea plants.  During the dunking ceremony, the freshly boiled water will be poured gracefully from a tetsubin by the High Priestess.  During the daily tea plant watering devotions, the attendants will each use a large white plastic watering can in the shape of a teapot.

Through their perfectly peaceful system of sacredness, the traditional Teapottians will dutifully revere the legends of Shennong.  They will meditate during their early morning tea sipping rites upon every type of tea drinking practice around the world, even the American one.

In respect of the latter, they will sing or silently recite I'm a Little Teapot each morning before partaking of their favourite beverage for the second time of the day, whether in a ceremony or elsewhere.  They will revere chakai and chaji.  They will revere every other peaceful and hospitable tea ceremony.  They may, if they so choose, even revere the teapots made by Paul Revere.

In the Twaklinestial temple, the Teapottians will revere Celestial Teapots, otherwise known as Russell's Teapots or Cosmic Teapots.  The traditional view is that the True Name is Celestial.

Although philosophers and theologians have long speculated on such matters, it is not yet known whether anyone will actually observe the mechanics of a celestial teapot through perceptual means.  The traditional Teapottians believe they will one day see a Celestial Teapot land in the Villa Twaklinilkawt grounds for gracious causes, or in the Adelaide parklands or on the top of Mount Lofty or on the end of one of the jetties along the shores of Gulf St Vincent.

The traditionalist Teapottians have always believed Celestial Teapots land singularly, although each such object may subsequently be joined by several others.  The Celestial Teapots may all, soon afterwards, take off and travel in convoy to their next destination or destinations.

In the United States, according to local tradition, a sect of unorthodox Teapottians believes the drivers of Celestial Teapots use imperial measurements and bad spelling for navigational purposes.  Such misguided adherents may even confuse celestial objects and celestial beings with one another, and even with themselves.


Traditionalist Teapottians want to help the world to overcome the inequities of religious stratification.  They want to teach the world about the science of celestial mechanics, even whilst using bamboo tongs or wooden callipers to take an English tea cake out of a toaster.

Unlike other belief systems, traditionalist Teapottians are the most enlightened.  They understand celestial co-ordinate systems.  They understand celestial navigation.  They know how to separate religion and politics.  They can easily tell the difference between a sextant, a sexton and interpersonal inappropriateness.

Traditionalist Teapottians can tell the difference between an asterism, an asterisk and an unacceptable risk with the lives of other people and species, including future generations.  They know how to distinguish between an imaginary celestial sphere and cosmological models of celestial spheres.  They know how to locate celestial poles and the celestial equator.

The traditional view of the sanctity of tea is that the tea bush should be treated as both a sacred tree and a sacred herb.  The land around the Twaklinestial temple should additionally be planted as a sacred garden.

None of the Teapottians in attendance at the temple building site have been traditionalists.  Their belief is apparently that there is only one Celestial Teapot in the entire universe and it floats around whilst making the sound of a celesta. The non-traditional Teapottians believe that the Celestial Teapot will land in Victoria Square this Thursday at 2pm exactly.  That is why they are agitated about the delay in opening the temple.

When the Celestial Teapot enters the Earth's atmosphere, according to the beliefs of the non-traditionalists, everyone within a twenty kilometre radius of Adelaide's General Post Office will hear a very loud, high pitched sound, much like a whistling kettle.  Whether the belief is based on aeronautics or aeroacoustics has not yet been sufficiently assessed by science, apart from the origin of annoying sounds.

The Celestial Teapot, according to the non-traditionalists, originates from a small planet about 143 light years away from the Earth.  The planet orbits a binary star system once every light year.

The non-traditionalists believe their tea should be prepared in a similar way to masala chai.  It should contain half milk and half water, a large dessert spoon of pure Kangaroo Island honey, a large dessert spoon of the highest quality black tea, a small handful of eucalyptus leaves, a large sprig of rosemary and a generous sprinkling of calendula petals.

Unlike the traditionalists, who do not reveal their most sacred beliefs to outsiders, the non-traditionalists are proselytisers.  Although the latter appear to know very little about Babylonian astronomy, Australian Aboriginal astronomy, Ancient Egyptian astronomy, Indian Astronomy or Chinese astronomy, they claim to understand the meaning of celestial.

In accordance with their beliefs about the Coming of the Celestial Teapot, the non-traditional Teapottians are worried that an army of celestial senators and cosmic centaurs from the Sagittarian Empire will soon invade the Earth and impose a new, even more dangerously authoritarian Mandate of Heaven on tea lovers everywhere unless everyone immediately repents their lack of civic engagement.

There have been serious concerns expressed, by a group claiming to be former practitioners of non-traditional Teapottianism, that celestial cartography is being misused by the leaders of the sect for their own, selfish, geocentric purposes.  The non-Traditionalists, meanwhile, claim the disaffected group is a cult and therefore infected with dangerous beliefs.

The traditionalists, on the other hand, have observed that the sociological classification of religious movements has much in common with their own classification of practitioners of all belief systems.  It is their belief that enlightenment is at the centre of their own religious and political views.  It is why they are, they believe, politically and religiously centrist.  They believe all other beliefs fit into a spectrum of extremes in various directions and levels from their own moderate and reasonable point of view.

When the traditionalist Teapottians read the Almagest, they interpret it as a metaphor for increasing levels of irrationality.   They, on the other hand, consider the Earth to have eighty-eight regions, reasonably in accordance with the 88 modern constellations and the Twaklinological view of the universe.

Unlike most other groups of believers in the world, the traditionalist, orthodox Teapottians, think all belief systems on Earth are likely to be superseded in the future, including their own.  They know that newer scientific theories usually have little in common with most newer religious movements and various cultic practices unless the scientists involved in developing or testing the theories happen to be bullies or frauds.

Whilst observing Kaus Australis, also known as Epsilon Sagitarii, enlightened beings are likely to be reminded that Shennon and Chiron have much in common though the region of Shennongjia has little in common with the Adelaidezone.  It does, however, have something in common with the Riverland Biosphere Reserve and the Mamungari Conservation Park.

The Adelaidezone has little in common with Imeko Afon or Salt Lake City though much of the funnel area of Adelaide is considered to be a Holy city to both traditional, orthodox Teapottians and the unorthodox.

Outside the bushfire season, the attendants of the Twaklinestial Temple of Teapottian Truisms are likely to heat the sacred water with biochar before each ceremony.  This will be symbolic of the sacred, Empyrean flame of peace.  The temple also has a considerably powerful solar energy system for sacred purposes.

The biochar will subsequently be used when tending the tea plants and developing the temple gardens.  Traditionalist Teapottians know that all the best agriculture and gardening in history used snip and char techniques of ecological respect and soil improvement rather than the destruction of slash and burn.

Until the inaugural convocation takes place, all true, traditional Teapottians have been attending universalist ceremonies in the Rotunda of Reason.  Visitors should not expect to be permitted to enter the new temple after its sanctification before they are fully confirmed members of the Twaklinestial Order of Teapottian Truisms.